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There shall be no picture to this post because it's a post of hatred .
It's a post of anger .
It's a post of regret , possibly .
And hopefully , through this post , I'll stop crying , and get on with my bloody life .

Firstly , I'M BLOODY SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THIS TAINTED UGLY SHIT .
I'm sorry I'm not bloody perfect .
I'm not pretty .
I'm not smart .
I'm not nice .
I'm not cool .
I don't have communicative skills like her .
I'm a downright toot .
Fine .
Stay like that .
Stop intruding my world .
Even though I know it's a bit too late to say all this .
Because you've already stepped in .
You can't get out that easily .
You think my life is some 7-eleven convenient store where you can just bloody walk in and out as and when you wish ?
No such luck , my friend .

And okay , so you're inside my life , fine .
I don't expect everyone who steps in , to make my life happy , blissful and perfect .
But at least , I just hope that you don't step on it , look at it disgustedly and walk away like you did nothing wrong .
Oh I'm sorry , that's what you did , right ?
Yes , yes it was .
You don't understand how I feel .
Everyone who hears my story , says ,

"Oh yes , I do understand . I've been through this ."

Well I'm sorry again , cos' no you haven't .
Maybe you've been through worse .
But I never said I had I a heart of steel .
I never said I could take heavy blows like this .
I never ever said I could allow anyone to tear , to shred my dying heart into pieces .
That final blow , and I was like a dandelion , blown away .
That final blow , and I jumped off the cliff .
That final blow , and I died .
That final blow , and you don't care .

Oh I know why .
Because I'm as insignificant as that piece of dust in the corner of your room .
Like as if I didn't know .
I just didn't want to be reminded of my non-existence .
I didn't need to be reminded again .
Not when it happens at home , in school , during CCA , everywhere .
I grew up under a background , in which I was ignored since I was a child .
I should have been used to this , shouldn't I ?
Well try it .
It sucks to be ignored , to be trashed around .
No matter how hard I try , no matter how hard I work , I know , I'll never be the main .
I know , I'll always be the calefare , watching afar , from the sides .
Even though I've dreamed , I've imagined .

"Dream big ."
Sorry , that doesn't work .
I've been dreaming big for the past 15 years , and all I got was nothing .
Even on my birthday , I hoped I was the main .
Well , I should be , since the day was supposed to me MY special day .
No prizes for guessing who wasn't the special girl .
That's right , me .
It's a daily routine , and everyday I wake up , hoping for a miracle .
Hoping things would change .
Hoping that one day , my presence might actually be acknowledged .
But nah , every day is the same , bloody screwed up .

Okay , I know I'm surrounded by this gorgeous , wonderfully perfect , group of friends .
I know there's every right , out there , that one day , you'll fall for them .
Not that I care .
I used to care .
But after you just threw me onto the ground ?
Not anymore .
Stop , bloody stop , thinking that you're wanted .
Stop thinking that you're so great .
Stop giving me false hopes .
And stop , stop , entering my life .
Stop playing with it .
It's not funny .
You don't know the tears I've shed .
You don't know the blows I've taken .
You don't know anything .
You just think that I can just forget as easily as you .
Bloody hell .

Why am I always the one being thrown away ?
Why am I always the one suffering ?
Why am I always the unwanted one ?
Why am I always the person cheering others up ?
Why am I always the villain ?
Why am I always being crushed by others ?
Why am I always the person being pushed around , like a toy ?
Why am I always the person standing from afar , admiring the scenery , but never part of it ?
Why am I always ...
Why is it me ?

Dad tells me that the world is unfair .
I concur .
But really , the world doesn't have to be unfair to this extend .
I don't need to be reminded that I'm not wanted by you .
I don't need to be reminded that I was repeatedly used .
I don't need to be reminded that I actually cried over you .
There's no place I can actually describe my feelings .
There's no one where I can actually relate my feelings to .
No matter who cheers me up , I can rebut you .
Because you don't know the full story , you only know part of it .

I grew up to be a girl who didn't cry over stuff .
I didn't cry when I fell .
I didn't cry when I went for an operation on my head at the age of 4 .
I didn't cry when I realised I was diagnosed with low blood pressure or scoliosis .
I didn't cry when I was at the brink of death during an asthma attack when I was a baby .
I didn't cry when I was hit .
I didn't cry when I was sent out of the house as a punishment .
I didn't cry when I cut myself and fainted .
I didn't cry when I sprained my ankle and had to hobble home by myself when I was P3 .
I didn't cry when I was scolded for no reason .
I didn't cry when my favourite pillow was left in a taxi when I was 7 .
I didn't cry when I got lost in the busy market in Thailand .
I didn't cry .
The list could have went on .
I don't cry .
I don't like to cry .
I look horrible when I cry .
And it's not like as if I looked downright awesome when I don't cry .
I just look worse .

But because of this matter , this ridiculous , heart-breaking matter , I've cried every night .
Unknowingly , I've turned into a crybaby .
But , I don't cry in front of my parents .
I hide under the bed to cry .
I go to the toilet to cry .
I cry in my shower .
I cry in my sleep .
My nightmares .
No one knows what I'm really crying about .
I don't know either .
But just , I choke on my tears .
My throat becomes dry , and I'm tongue-tied .
My eyes become hot and blurry .
My face flushes .
I break stuff .
And now , I'm not crying .
Because I'm pissed off at the world .

Everyone thinks my life is good .
Because they don't hear me complain about my problems .
They see me smiling everyday and actually helping out with their problems .
I crack jokes , I laugh , I smile .
I make people's day .
Of course , that is when there are people around .
And when there aren't , I sink into depression .
Surprise surprise .
Vivian isn't that bubbly , carefree , jolly girl that you see everyday .
That's just a fake .
You don't read in between the lines .
No one knows how many bucketful of tears are hidden behind that smile .
No one knows how many sobs are hidden behind that hearty laugh .
No one knows how many words of anger are hidden behind that smiley face .
No one knows .
And yes , no one knows how creepy I can be when I'm angry .
Try it .
I dare you to .

I don't need some bloody excuses for me to cheer up .
I'm well aware that I can't .
And I'm well aware that no one bloody cares for how I feel .
Even if one day , I do raise my problems , people just wave it away and rant on their own .
Maybe because my problems are not interesting .
Maybe because people think I'm capable of solving my own bloody problems .
Okay you know what .
Blogging is no used .
I've only described 10% of how I'm feeling now .
So maybe next time , I'll describe the rest .
But for now .
I need to ... take a break .

And if , you do see this , yes you .
You're clearly aware of who I'm talking about .
If you do see this , know that I hate you .