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Yes , Vivian is wearing a dress . Even though the photo is pretty blur , what you see is real .

I AM WEARING A DRESS .

Goodness , bad choice . The dress is gone anyway , somewhere hidden in a corner of my wardrobe . Really dislike dresses . ):
Don't Mat and I look like we're kissing the random guy behind us ?
That wasn't part of the plan , actually . We just wanted to pretend to make faces at each other and the photo turned out like that .
Pretty weird huh .

Well this is Mat and I , again . You can't see her eyes ! Darn . ): she has pretty eyes cos' she applied eyeliner .
I don't do make-up , so I was the only one w/o make-up on that day .
Wenlin , Mat and Zijia all put on some blusher and eyeliner stuff .
Icky , I don't like it at all . Bleh . But they say I have natural blush , I don't know what's that , but whatever .
Why is this photo upside down ! ): it's supposed to be cute cos' I wanted to look like Tweety Bird ! Fail . ): shucks .

OKAY WEIRD SMILE SKIP THIS PHOTO .

Yes yes I like this one .
We went to Astons @ Changi Airport Terminal 1 to eat ! Yeom yeom .
The waiter was pretty nice , and he has a funny accent . I don't think he's local .
I was thinking American , but then ... he might be Filipino . .__.
For once , my bangs look smooth and straight . I have been applying conditioner (not) on them .
Andand ! My hair was in a good mood cos' it isn't sticking out like usual and it's actually sticking to my ear !
Whoopdeedo .
That's a good thing . :D

Wenlin on the left , Zijia on the right .
Man , they look like they're Cleopatra's descendants , don't they ?
Goodness , so pretty .
See what I mean by , "I'm surrounded by a bunch of wonderfully gorgeous and perfect friends ?"
I'm surprised I don't feel inferior !
Okay I do but shhh about that . .__.
Wenlin was wearing a pretty white dress on that day ! Me likey . But it's kinda loose for her , according to her ?
Zijia was wearing a purple dress hehehe . I was wearing a ... beige dress ?!
I do not like dresses . .__.

See that ruffle on my left shoulder ?
It itches and irritates me . So I got quite pissed off with it and attempted to pluck it out .
And I have a crown on my ponytail !
Hey , I'm a princess ya know .
Princess of Piggyland , where people sleep all day long .

Took this on the bus to Changi Airport !
I looked pretty hilarious , carrying my sunshine yellow bag and wearing a so-called sophisticated dress . I never said I wanted to get that dress anws .
The origin of that dress was ... my friends .
They made me bathe in Wenlin's house , confiscated my clothes (I KNOW RIGHT) , and gave me this piece of delicate cloth to dress myself .
Went pouty for about half an hour and was almost on the verge of crying .
Why , that was the first dress I wore in my entire life !
I know I sound like some tomboy , but I really really haven't wore a dress in my entire life .
Baby period doesn't count yeah ? So well , that was my first dress , and I was tugging at it like CRAZY . And damn the wind that blows my skirt .
I felt so exposed AHHHHH .
I don't like skirts either cos' I feel empty .
Very exposed , me no likey . ):
The only skirts I own are school skirts .
No joke . Dig my wardrobe if you want , and that's all you'll find .
OMG , am I the only girl in existence who dislikes feminine clothes ?!
No wonder no guy likes me ! :D

Took this on the bus with Mat . HAHAHA , I feel like I forgot about Wenlin and Zijia . :o

Yes , this is me when I just bathed and was forced to wear the dress . Pouty , wanting to cry , you get the idea .

Ah , finally ! A photo with me and Zijia ! I'm glad I don't look bald uh .

And so , yeah .
That's how they celebrated my birthday for me (:
My best friends since sec1 .
iloveyou !

Love ,
Vivian

Say hello to my new friend , Gumpy .
It's a present from this special someone that I would like to thank .
I think this is pretty awkward , and he possibly can't see this blog post , but anyhoo , here goes nothing .

Hi there .
I think you know who you are ? Cos' it's best for me not to mention your name , hehehe .
Well , firstly , thanks for the gift ! It's really cute , and I like it a lot .
It sleeps beside me every night , in between my eeyore and I , if you're curious as to where it is now .
I guess you're not really uhmm , interested in what's happening to it anyway .
But I thought I ought to let you know that it's been well taken care of , really .
And it happens to have the same birthday as my favourite eeyore , 19th May .
So I guess it's a really special day , huh ?
Even though you couldn't pass this present to me personally , (and I was pretty disappointed that you didn't turn up cos' I don't know how you actually look like) , I'm still thankful for the gift !
Hopefully I'll see you , someday ?
Like what you said , to "get to know you better" .
I know , this is pretty awkward , coming from a girl .
And I know , I made you pretty mad even though we only chatted for a while .
Did my research and found out the price of this cute little fluffy thing .
Pretty shocked at the price !
You didn't have to spend that much ! :o
I'm sorry I sounded like I didn't want you to come meet me or buy me a present .
What I actually meant was , I didn't want you to spend so much money on me .
Cos' ... I'm not worth it .
I'm not worth all your attention .
Okay but I think you're worth my attention .
Anyhoo .
Every time I see Gumpy , I think of you .
After all , you were the one who bought it , and you were the one who gave it its name .
So well , it's hard not to think of you when I see it before I sleep .
And sometimes things get a little awkward when I stare at it for too long a time ...
But that's my own problem .
I don't know how to phrase my words , because I suck at expressing myself , but I just wanna say ,

Sorry .
And .
Thankyou so much .

Well , that's all , I guess .
I miss talking to you .

Love ,
Vivian

Imma busy girl , gotta go sleep ! Goodnight .

Alright you know what .
Life sucks .
And I'm proud of having a horrid life .
No , I'm not having PMS .
I'm just sick and tired of all this shit and whatnots .

Do you believe in fairytales ?
I for one , don't .
You see , they're this bunch load of crap .
The prince saves the princess from a witch , and they live happily ever after .
Prince Charming carries the princess onto some white horse , and they gallop back to the castle to get married , right ?
Well bullshit .
That , only happens in fairytales , which I believe , are frauds .
Which means ,

There's never a happily ever after .

Nope , not at all .
You see , in reality , there are no white horses .
No carriages , no castles .
Unless you're part of the Royal Wedding , which just went wrong .
Anyhoo , what I'm trying to say here is :
There's no happy ending .
At least , not in my world .

Okay , so let's begin with this crazy dream of mine last night .
It all started when I finished crying .
So I drifted off to sleep , yada yada , and then my nightmare began .
So it's like , one day , when I was napping in CO room , Crystal came barging in , screaming .
I know I'm always napping on my seat , but this time , I was crying in my sleep .
Well okay , so Crystal comes in , screaming :

"OMG Vivian , Alvin asked me for stead !"

And I was like , kinda blur from my sleep , you know , groggy . So I was like ,

"Mm-hmm , whatever ."

And okay , Crystal was taken aback , and she said ,

"Well , he's outside CO room now ."

And I looked shitty , okay so I hid behind the timpani and prayed that I was invisible .
I saw Alvin walking in , and sitting with Crystal over the dizi area .
I wanted to spy on them , but I fell asleep HAHAHA .
Okay , next , I woke up on this random grass patch .
This time I was much neater , thank goodness .
But then I saw a sunflower next to me and I'm like 'Hey , pretty sunflower .'
And suddenly the sunflower transformed into Darren and I'm like 'WHOA .'
So he ends up sitting next to me , and he told me ,

"Wait for it ."

And I'm like ,

"Huh ? Wait for what ?"

And he ignored me , and just looked straight ahead .
So the view in front turned into a beach , but I was still sitting on some meadow .
I see this couple , with their backs facing me , sitting on the beach .
Their backs look familiar , but I can't make out who .
So I asked ,

"Eh Darren , who are those 2 ?"

And he told me ,

"Shut up and watch ."

Not very nice .
But I did shut up still .
Then what I saw shocked me .
It was Eugene and Renee .
WOW WOW WOW .
Surprise surprise .
And what the heck , they kissed .
Okay I'm not supposed to be jealous or anything but really , WHAT THE HECK .
And then Darren said ,

"Aww , so sweet ."

And I'm like what the heck , so I ran away crying .
Why am I crying ?
Too much setbacks , HAHAHA .
Yes so I ran and ran stupidly until I reached some random cliff where Chinwei was standing .
So he turned around and asked me ,

"Should I jump ?"

With those teary eyes , I think he was about to cry anytime .
So I asked ,

"Why do you wanna jump ?"

Stupid question , I know .
And he said ,

"Because , she doesn't like me ."

Obviously I knew who , so I didn't ask further .
I just told him ,

"Don't jump . The person who should be jumping , is me ."

And I don't know where I got the strength from , I pushed him away from the cliff and I jumped .
Har-dee-har-har .
Look at the smile on your face .
You can't wait for me to die , can you .
Imma continue my story first .
And while I was free-falling down the cliff , Darren appeared from thin air and waved .
I was pretty pissed off , so I screamed ,

"What are you , a stalker ?!"

And he said ,

"Nope , I'm just a Russian spy ."

And he disappeared .

OKAY I NEVER KNEW RUSSIAN SPIES COULD APPEAR AS AND WHEN THEY WANT AND I NEVER KNEW THEY WERE SUCH CREEPS .
Yes , Russian spies .
And okay , so I plummeted to my death .
The end .
Now imma go eat my dinner as you enjoy my death .
Cheers .

There shall be no picture to this post because it's a post of hatred .
It's a post of anger .
It's a post of regret , possibly .
And hopefully , through this post , I'll stop crying , and get on with my bloody life .

Firstly , I'M BLOODY SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THIS TAINTED UGLY SHIT .
I'm sorry I'm not bloody perfect .
I'm not pretty .
I'm not smart .
I'm not nice .
I'm not cool .
I don't have communicative skills like her .
I'm a downright toot .
Fine .
Stay like that .
Stop intruding my world .
Even though I know it's a bit too late to say all this .
Because you've already stepped in .
You can't get out that easily .
You think my life is some 7-eleven convenient store where you can just bloody walk in and out as and when you wish ?
No such luck , my friend .

And okay , so you're inside my life , fine .
I don't expect everyone who steps in , to make my life happy , blissful and perfect .
But at least , I just hope that you don't step on it , look at it disgustedly and walk away like you did nothing wrong .
Oh I'm sorry , that's what you did , right ?
Yes , yes it was .
You don't understand how I feel .
Everyone who hears my story , says ,

"Oh yes , I do understand . I've been through this ."

Well I'm sorry again , cos' no you haven't .
Maybe you've been through worse .
But I never said I had I a heart of steel .
I never said I could take heavy blows like this .
I never ever said I could allow anyone to tear , to shred my dying heart into pieces .
That final blow , and I was like a dandelion , blown away .
That final blow , and I jumped off the cliff .
That final blow , and I died .
That final blow , and you don't care .

Oh I know why .
Because I'm as insignificant as that piece of dust in the corner of your room .
Like as if I didn't know .
I just didn't want to be reminded of my non-existence .
I didn't need to be reminded again .
Not when it happens at home , in school , during CCA , everywhere .
I grew up under a background , in which I was ignored since I was a child .
I should have been used to this , shouldn't I ?
Well try it .
It sucks to be ignored , to be trashed around .
No matter how hard I try , no matter how hard I work , I know , I'll never be the main .
I know , I'll always be the calefare , watching afar , from the sides .
Even though I've dreamed , I've imagined .

"Dream big ."
Sorry , that doesn't work .
I've been dreaming big for the past 15 years , and all I got was nothing .
Even on my birthday , I hoped I was the main .
Well , I should be , since the day was supposed to me MY special day .
No prizes for guessing who wasn't the special girl .
That's right , me .
It's a daily routine , and everyday I wake up , hoping for a miracle .
Hoping things would change .
Hoping that one day , my presence might actually be acknowledged .
But nah , every day is the same , bloody screwed up .

Okay , I know I'm surrounded by this gorgeous , wonderfully perfect , group of friends .
I know there's every right , out there , that one day , you'll fall for them .
Not that I care .
I used to care .
But after you just threw me onto the ground ?
Not anymore .
Stop , bloody stop , thinking that you're wanted .
Stop thinking that you're so great .
Stop giving me false hopes .
And stop , stop , entering my life .
Stop playing with it .
It's not funny .
You don't know the tears I've shed .
You don't know the blows I've taken .
You don't know anything .
You just think that I can just forget as easily as you .
Bloody hell .

Why am I always the one being thrown away ?
Why am I always the one suffering ?
Why am I always the unwanted one ?
Why am I always the person cheering others up ?
Why am I always the villain ?
Why am I always being crushed by others ?
Why am I always the person being pushed around , like a toy ?
Why am I always the person standing from afar , admiring the scenery , but never part of it ?
Why am I always ...
Why is it me ?

Dad tells me that the world is unfair .
I concur .
But really , the world doesn't have to be unfair to this extend .
I don't need to be reminded that I'm not wanted by you .
I don't need to be reminded that I was repeatedly used .
I don't need to be reminded that I actually cried over you .
There's no place I can actually describe my feelings .
There's no one where I can actually relate my feelings to .
No matter who cheers me up , I can rebut you .
Because you don't know the full story , you only know part of it .

I grew up to be a girl who didn't cry over stuff .
I didn't cry when I fell .
I didn't cry when I went for an operation on my head at the age of 4 .
I didn't cry when I realised I was diagnosed with low blood pressure or scoliosis .
I didn't cry when I was at the brink of death during an asthma attack when I was a baby .
I didn't cry when I was hit .
I didn't cry when I was sent out of the house as a punishment .
I didn't cry when I cut myself and fainted .
I didn't cry when I sprained my ankle and had to hobble home by myself when I was P3 .
I didn't cry when I was scolded for no reason .
I didn't cry when my favourite pillow was left in a taxi when I was 7 .
I didn't cry when I got lost in the busy market in Thailand .
I didn't cry .
The list could have went on .
I don't cry .
I don't like to cry .
I look horrible when I cry .
And it's not like as if I looked downright awesome when I don't cry .
I just look worse .

But because of this matter , this ridiculous , heart-breaking matter , I've cried every night .
Unknowingly , I've turned into a crybaby .
But , I don't cry in front of my parents .
I hide under the bed to cry .
I go to the toilet to cry .
I cry in my shower .
I cry in my sleep .
My nightmares .
No one knows what I'm really crying about .
I don't know either .
But just , I choke on my tears .
My throat becomes dry , and I'm tongue-tied .
My eyes become hot and blurry .
My face flushes .
I break stuff .
And now , I'm not crying .
Because I'm pissed off at the world .

Everyone thinks my life is good .
Because they don't hear me complain about my problems .
They see me smiling everyday and actually helping out with their problems .
I crack jokes , I laugh , I smile .
I make people's day .
Of course , that is when there are people around .
And when there aren't , I sink into depression .
Surprise surprise .
Vivian isn't that bubbly , carefree , jolly girl that you see everyday .
That's just a fake .
You don't read in between the lines .
No one knows how many bucketful of tears are hidden behind that smile .
No one knows how many sobs are hidden behind that hearty laugh .
No one knows how many words of anger are hidden behind that smiley face .
No one knows .
And yes , no one knows how creepy I can be when I'm angry .
Try it .
I dare you to .

I don't need some bloody excuses for me to cheer up .
I'm well aware that I can't .
And I'm well aware that no one bloody cares for how I feel .
Even if one day , I do raise my problems , people just wave it away and rant on their own .
Maybe because my problems are not interesting .
Maybe because people think I'm capable of solving my own bloody problems .
Okay you know what .
Blogging is no used .
I've only described 10% of how I'm feeling now .
So maybe next time , I'll describe the rest .
But for now .
I need to ... take a break .

And if , you do see this , yes you .
You're clearly aware of who I'm talking about .
If you do see this , know that I hate you .

On rainy days , I look out of the window and count the number of rain droplets sliding past the clear window .
Because the number of droplets represent the number of tears I didn't cry out .
And the other droplets that fall into the rivers and the lakes are what I did cry out .

When the world turns dark
And the rain quietly falls
Everything is still

Even today, without a doubt
I can’t get out of it
I can’t get out from the thoughts of you

Now
I know that it’s the end
I know that it’s all just foolishness
Now I know that it’s not true
I am just disappointed in myself for
Not being able to get a hold of you because of that pride

On the rainy days you come and find me
Torturing me through the night
When the rain starts to stop, you follow
Slowly, little by little, you will stop as well

I must be drunk, I think I need to stop drinking
Since the rain is falling, I think I might fall as well
Well this doesn’t mean that I miss you, no it doesn’t mean that
It just means that the time we had together was a bit sharp
When it’s the type of day that you really liked
I keep opening the raw memories of you
Making the excuse that it’s all memories, I take a step forward
I don’t even make the effort to escape

Now
I erased all of you
I emptied out all of you
But when the rain falls again
All the memories of you I hid with effort
It all comes back, it must be looking for you

Now there is no path for me to return
But looking at your happy face
I will still try to laugh since I was the one
Without the strength to stop you

What can I do about something that already ended?
I’m just regretting after like the stupid fool I am
Rain always falls so it will repeat again
When it stops, that’s when I will stop as well

And so . Avoidance .

Gonna start numbering my posts from now onwards . It's been a pretty long time , since I blogged .

Fact #5 : I like really huge and lens-less geek specs , and I don't care what anyone says about them because I wear them , not you .

Whoop-dee-do . Life's pretty screwed up now , and I'll try to summarize it in a few songs , if possible .

First up , to him . That special someone .

Love Song - Big Bang

I close my eyes and feel your breath, I dream of you
A smile spreads across my lips, you’re breathing with me now
Time, please stop, don’t divide her and I
Wind, stop blowing, this is my last letter to you

Someday - IU

I hope this tears will stop running someday
Someday after this darkness clear up
I hope the warm sunshine dries these tears

When I feel that I’m getting tired of looking me exhausted
I want to give all my dreams I’ve kept hard
Every time I feel that I’m lacking in many things more than I have
I lost strength in my legs and drop down

I hope this tears will stop running someday
Someday after this darkness clear up
I hope the warm sunshine dries these tears

Everyday I hold out comforting myself “it’ll be alright”
But it makes me afraid little by little
I tell myself to believe in myself, but I don’t
Now I don’t know how longer I can hold out

But wait it’ll come
Although the night is long, the sun comes up
Someday my painful heart will get well

I hope it helps me now
I hope the God will help me

I don’t have enough confidence more and more to overcome myself

I hope this tears will stop running someday
Someday after this darkness clear up
I hope the warm sunshine dries these tears

But wait it’ll come
Although the night is long, the sun comes up
Someday my painful heart will get well

Someday…
Someday…

Good Day - IU

Why is the sky so much more blue?
Why is the breeze so perfect today?
Pretending like I don’t know
Like I didn’t hear a thing, like I erased it
Should we start talking about something else?

My eyes fill with tears, so I lift my head up
I smile a little so they won’t fall
Why are you like this to me, what are you saying?
All the things we talked about go to the sky
The words I have never said
The words I didn’t know I’d say as I cried
I like you, what do I do?

Was my recent hairstyle change bad?
Did I wear the wrong clothes?
Still pretending like I don’t know
Like I don’t remember
Should I act as if nothing happened?
Should I just say that we should go out?

Don’t say those kind of sad things
While looking at me like this
Is it that I’m childish or a bit slow?
I can’t believe it

Even though I’m crying, I smile
I block your way and I just smile widely
Why am I being like this, do I not have any shame?
I fold my pride up neatly and throw it up to the sky
The words I have never said
The words I might never be able to say again
I like you
I’m in my dream

I hope he reads this , and I hope I stop crying , because one day , I'll run out of tears . And you're wondering why I'm celebrating birthday alone this year . It's all because of you . Because of you , I need to ponder upon the questions surfacing in my mind . I need to find an answer to them . All of them . I need to know why things are so awkward between is . I just have to . Why am I being so gullible , liking someone whom I know will never return those feelings . Why can't I stop thinking of you ? When the night falls , why are the the first person I think of ? When I'm sad , why do I hope , so much , that you'll be the one there to comfort me ? When I'm happy , why are you the first person I want to share my joy with ? Why , why , why , every time I hold up my phone , I want to , so badly , text you ? Why ?

And I know you won't read this . But still , I hope , I dream , I wait . I guess I'm just a stupid girl , liking a stupid boy like you . I know you like her , and so I keep up a smile , even though gunshots pass through that stupid beating heart of mine every second I think of this matter . I pretend to stay strong , I'm not going to let anyone know how I feel , deep inside . No one would understand . Why am I crying now ? It's not the first , the second , the third time I'm crying over you . It's the millionth time . I need to get over this . But I can't . What should I do ?

Love ,

Vivian .